I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
