how can u be prego again
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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