i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize