I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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