I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
