WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
