Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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