I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
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