one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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