I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
