I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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