My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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