and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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