Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
