You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So many bounce houses so little time
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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