Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
