Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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