Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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