I am spending my child support on dildos
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
