I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
