Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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