so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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