fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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