dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
