Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
