isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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