Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
