my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
