I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
