i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
