some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
