i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
