Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
