does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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