I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
