I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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