hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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