My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He has the fingertips of a God
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
