i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
