OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He felt like a one man threesome
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
