Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
