So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
