you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
