I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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