she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
