The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
