i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
