i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
