I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
