just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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