Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
