I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
sarcasm needs its own font
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
