Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
