you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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