one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
