My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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