I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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