I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
