Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
